one liners...

Its one of those Sunday mornings when you are generally looking around for something to sink your teeth in. This thing on TV might have just done it for me, I think ;)

So this HP commercial goes "Hi I am Sid and I love music". That just cracks me up. I mean...someone is actually getting paid to come up with a line like "I love music"?

"Hi, nice to meet you. So what do you do for fun?"

"I love Music!"

"Sure, mate. How about that 'breathing' thing? Thats also pretty cool, no?"

While on annoying one-liners, there is the Ms. Alcohol Saint. You run into these characters in most parties.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?"

"oh no, thanks. I get high on life"

Feisty! Note she doesn't just say "I dont drink, thanks". No way! - that would be self-deprecating. And worse, would just answer the question. You gotta be more elaborate than that. You gotta have a STORY behind your teetotaling.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?"

"oh no, thanks. I get high on life"

"Thats just so sad, sweetie. Out here, we get high on life AND alcohol. na nana na na!"

Another oft-spotted-party-species is Mr. DadINeverHad. These guys usually are the hosts.

"Alrite, chief. I think we will head home now. Thanks for having us. Good night"

"Oh it is so late. Please call and let me know you guys reached OK".

Now folks, I have had quite a few late nights in my life and met many Mr. DadINeverHads. And given the limited capabilities of my memory, I almost always forget to make 'that' call. I just find it strange that none of 'em have ever called me back, or come out looking for me or filed a police complaint, or even complained of losing sleep that night.

"Alrite, chief. I think we will head home now. Thanks for having us. Good night"

"Oh it is so late. Please call and let me know you guys reached OK"

"Sure. And you call me when Rakhi Sawant cracks mensa".

Mirror mirror on the floor...

ITC Grand Central Hotel. Mumbai. Circa 2009.

For the 25th time this year, I enter the hotel in a cab. Three well built men, dressed in imposing black uniforms stop me, just like they have stopped me 24 times before. The least beefy among them walks slowly towards the car and inserts this mirror-on-wheels under the chassis and observes attentively. Convinced that there is nothing else but rotting auto parts there, he then turns to the other gentleman, who by now has his head inside the trunk. The head comes out unhurriedly and gives the less-beefy man a reassuring nod. Relieved that I am not out to harm humanity, they let my car proceed.

Surely, if I want to blow up ITC Grand Central, I will dress up in a business suit, pack loads of explosives under my chassis (exactly where it will be visible in the mirror) or just throw them in my trunk (for extra leg-room in the back seat), patiently wait for the inspection to be over (front & back!), so that I can then get on with blowing myself up.

Surely.

PS: But in a sagging economy, to think that this has given jobs to roughly a million people nationwide who are doing this day-in day-out - a masterstroke!

and yes, not to mention the 'impenetrable' security this is giving our hotels...

Venky

Venkatraman Ramakrishnan is a pioneering scientist. Am sure his body of work will someday affect my granddaughter's protein consumption.

So what is interesting about Venky?

He has a name that is made up of four god's names (with one receiving unfair advantage of a repetition). A pretty defiant name, me thinks - considering he comes from a city where traditionally all of these 3 gods were despised. In short - a possible vaishnavite from the saivite capital.

Dont dig that trivia? cool. So what else is interesting about Venky?

He left India in 1971. Roughly 6 years before I was born. 'So what about that?', I hear you ask. 'An entire generation of educated, upwardly mobile Indians left the shores in those days'. True.

So what else is interesting about Venky?

He came back to India about 7-8 times (to teach in IISc, charity, etc). Thats coincidental! Thats about the same number of times I have gone to Vegas - for charity, again. Dont trust me? Ask the number of casino workers who got a raise that year, thanks to the money I lost on the poker table.

So what else is interesting about Venky?

'Dude, he got the nobel'. Remember the award instituted by the guy who invented dynamite? (Yeah yeah, the same guy who refused to institute an award for Mathematics, because his wife ran away with a math teacher). I often wonder how the guy who invented the dynamite can give away an award for peace, but I digress. Lets get back to Venky.

So what about Venky's nobel?

Nothing. Just that it is weird that the Indian media is celebrating. 'Why not yaar? he was born in chidambaram, he studied in vadodara and what the heck? he is brown!!!'. OK. ok. ok.

what? what was that? did i hear you call me a jealous bastard? well, may be I am. But I still think it is weird that we are celebrating. Some asshole even had the headline "Venky is India's pride".

Fuck you.

The man left India almost 40 years back. He left because there was nothing this country could offer for his development. And he did not come back because he could not do what he wanted to do, here. In other words, he abandoned this place for something better. Dont get me wrong, I think he is a very nice guy and a wise one at that. And 'smart', obviously - he got the dynamite prize, remember?

So call him that. Smart, wise and nice. Dont call him India's pride. Coz this award doesnt tell you what we did. It tells you what we couldnt. And cannot, still.