The travels of my shaving cream...

Even as I write this, Burkha Dutt is writhing in orgasmic fervor on the TV screen in front of me. Revelling in the drama of the situation and getting into her zone, with her voice breaking almost at will and her vocabulary scaling new heights in dramatization. This is her thing!

As I watch this newscast from my couch all weekend, I think to myself....'isnt this a dream newscast for a terrorist'? Isnt this how they would have exactly wanted to script it?.....20-30 of the best journalistic minds in the country fighting between themselves to prove who can 'magnify the fear' better and who has the best 'drama' on offer?.....for heaven's sake, they even have a 'highlights' sorta music video every hour or so....just in case you had forgotten any of those images.

I rewind back to the early morning hours of Thursday, when I got out of my hotel room in Mumbai after being huddled in front of the TV all night. Though I was ridiculously far away from all the 'action' of the previous night, I ask the bell boy something I have never asked in my life before "Is it safe to go out now?".

30 minutes later, I reach the domestic terminal and it was a shocking sight. Not because something changed, but because Nothing did. It was exactly the way I left it two days back. Well, actually no. There was a lone cop standing with a semi-automatic.

Ten minutes later, I pass through security and for the 22nd time in the last 2 months, my super-large shaving cream canister, my 500 ml Davidoff and packs of matches - all in the front zipper of my laptop bag, make safe travel through the X-ray tunnel, without tickling the attention of the guard. My mind is shouting out to him "common!! see it! See it atleast today.....this is the morning after a terrorist attack and there is enough room in that canister to blow up the plane I am taking". But No. He gets out the rubber stamp, and mid-way over sharing a joke with his colleague, brings it down on my tag.

(Even as I write this, Arnab Goswami has just repeated the words "These are visuals that are coming to you exclusively on Times Now and no other news channel" for the 104th time in the last 48 hours.)

As I board the plane, I am convinced about one thing. You dont need an international conspiracy to blow this country up. You dont need a meticulous plan. You dont need a terrorist ourfit. You can do it at will. All you need is just a desire to die and a few hours of your time. So, lets not pretend that something has been breached. There was nothing to be breached. No fucking thing.

The Director of HR of Infosys just popped on screen, demanding the right to bear arms. Fair enough (are you listening Mr. Terrorist? Is this panning out like you planned?). And Milind Deora pops on screen talking about Mumbai like as though it is a neighbouring country. Dude, you are the MP from South Mumbai, for cryin out loud!! But the most appropriate sound byte in all these 4 days came from RR Patil. Surprisingly, everybody is calling it a gaffe. Absolutely not! I think it is the most honest, objective and pragmatic assessment of the situation. A masterstroke.

"Aise bade bade sheharon mein aise choti choti baatein hoti hai".

Bravo, my man! He is right. A much much larger thing could have happened. And no, the cop in the police station in my vicinity, weilding a lathi and a modified version of the 1880 ".303 Musket" is not gonna stop it. The fact that the ".303" was a big hit in both the World Wars, notwithstanding.

Mumbai

its 12:30 AM at this hotel room in Dadar, as this city is being invaded from all around!!!

White tiger...

you know the feeling....of running in sweltering mid-day heat, at the peak of chennai summer, listening to death metal on your walkman in full volume? (ok...before you think am demented, I would like to confess that I have not tried it post high school)

anyway...back to the run....its pain and ecstasy at the same time, with all that adrenalin pulling you through, long after your body has given up.

Reading the white tiger was pretty close - just replace the adrenalin with anger. It is a story that is so disgusting, filthy, rotten and raw that you can feel the stench emanating from the pages. The stench will no doubt disgust you at the beginning; but by page 200, you will not just get used to it, but in fact look forward to it indulgently.

If you have ever flown into Mumbai on a window seat, you would have no doubt seen the miles of blue taupaulined slums that the plane sails across, before depositing you int the marble floored, air conditioned, interior-decorated confines of the Chatrapathi Shivaji terminal. The strange thing is that the 'tarpaulined' and the 'terminal' are two mutually exclusive worlds - totally insulated from each other. While members of both these worlds meet everyday and even need each other to stay alive, they know so very little about the other's world that it could have as well been in a different planet.

Anyway, the book has nothing to do with Mumbai and so I havent spoilt anything for you ;) But it is about these two worlds and if you have ever stopped in your tracks once, angered by this rude, dualistic joke that is our nation, then you Will love the book.

K cant get enough MC Solaar...

Strangely enough, of all the videos ever made on this song, this one works best ;)

A thousand elephants

So....
A title picked from Andal's 'Nachiyar Thirumozhi'. Is it gonna be erotic spirituality (as Thirumozhi's genre is) or does the literal translation of 'a thousand elephants' mean this is gonna be an action flick?
Harris's best work till date was an enigma by itself. An overwhelming 'rock' feel in couple of the numbers; A flat Sudha ragunathan crooning a disturbingly emotional melody; and a slow folk number that I was hoping will not make the final cut.
Gautham has a history of rip-offs. He has already made two films inspired by 'Seven' and one inspired by 'Derailed'. Lately, he has been talking to the media about how 'Forrest gump' inspired this one. So is this gonna be a straight rip off?
There was also the 'father & son' talk. Does Gautham Menon now becoming Gautham Vasudev Menon mean that this was going to be a 'Thavamai Thavamirunthu' redux?
And then there is also that critical factor of Sameera Reddy's shoulders and lips.
So, I had more reasons than one to look forward to Vaaranam Ayiram.



The only place I managed to get tickets was the drive in. And it was a cloudy evening.
But the weather held up mostly and the film did as well. The best part was, it surprised the hell out of me.
An honest, straight from the heart film. Now that by itself is surprising in Tamil these days. Add to it:
- an earth shattering performance by Simran.
- an intriguing background score
- a gimmick-less, narrative based editing
- minimalistic, but very effective make-up (u gotta have seen Dasavatharam atleast once to fully appreciate this)
- dialogues that actually strike a chord
- Imagination in most of the frames

you gotta winner.

Now, the other thing about this film is that Surya is in every single frame (no, am not kidding. Every frickin frame). In fact, most times, there are two Suryas in a frame. So, it takes some performance to pull this off, without pissing off the audience even once. He does it pretty well.

Its obvious that a lot of imagination and heart has gone into sketching the father character. It shows! Also, Gautham has always been amazing with relationships. There is a dignity and an intimacy that be brings to them, which makes you love the 'couple', more than you do the individual. You get into a bit of Deja vu many times.

And oh...the shoulders and lips dont disappoint you one bit. And that folk number is actually interesting.

Of course there is the length of the film, some scenes that tire you, the overtly episodic nature of the film, some monochromatic characters, Gautham's penchant with extending his films for 10 minutes after it is technically over, blah blah, which the critics will throw at you. Its all true.

But then at the end of the day, there is the heart thats been put into this. And thats in fantastic health ;)

After...

Tenth day after the death of a Grand uncle.

I drive dad to a house that I have never been to, before. You don't have to ask for directions when you are going to offer condolence. The house usually sticks out.

Women clad in wet, nine yard sarees cross your path without a second look at the visitor entering their house.

A 'sasthrigal' talks into his iphone, leaning on his Santro parked outside. Another client.

Dad leaves me behind in the living room and walks inside. As is always the case, I find myself surrounded by relatives who know everything about me and whose names I fear I cant remember.

The wife of the deceased - my mom's cousin, holds my hand and breaks down. Nobody in the room reacts. Evidently, they have seen her go through this many times in the last ten days. Age and an overwhelming depression weighing on her, she makes a sign with her hand. I dint need anybody to translate that - "It feels like yesterday, when you were a baby this small". A lump gathers in my throat and it has nothing to do with the death.

Breakfast is being served. The visitors have to be fed properly. I nibble and then get up, refusing an additional serving for the fifth time.

Somebody has brought a package from a Kodak store nearby. The image cut from a group photo and enlarged by the wonders of technology. The sons and daughters gather nearby to admire it in a fatalistic sorta way. The image that will adorn the walls in that house for decades to come and then get discarded by a generation that will no longer give a damn. I make a mental note to click 'that' picture when am 45 and keep aside.

We run into the daughter. She knows I have relocated back from San Francisco. I dont know anything about her. I wish my sister was around. She always knows. Somebody else joins the conversation. Both take time away from the grief to congratulate me on my career decision and take my opinion on the sub-prime crisis.

The grand children are playing cricket in the backyard, oblivious to grief. For now.

When we are done, my dad walks out abruptly. It dawns on me after a few seconds. You dont say goodbye.

The drive back is silent for the first minute. Dad stares blankly at the road for a while. Then he switches on 'Radio Mirchi'.

The show resumes for the rest of us.

K's film hangover of the week

Yet another Iranian film that proves why cinema will always be more heart than science...

Offside, 2006 - by Jafar Panahi.

11953

I have known him for the last 19 years.

I see him every time he is in town.

I know his entire family by first names.

I remember the exact year his father died.

I know of every major physical ailment he has had in his adult life. The back, the wrist, the tennis elbow and the shoulder.

I have always defended him in arguments with friends, family and enemies.

I love him.

I root for him!

overrated!

Am pretty sure all of us go through that one day in our mid life, when it finally dawns upon you, what an asshole you have been to many people, in your short life....friends, enemies, people who loved you, family and even people who have had absolutely nothing to do with you. Like the time when you gave a big piece of your mind to the call center guy who caught you in the middle of a terrible bad-hair day, or the night when you got unreasonably irate with your girl, for getting overtly emotional about a triviality (to you).

You dont necessarily become a 'better man' at the end of that day. You probably feel bad, repent and all that good stuff....but it doesnt change you much....if anything, you only become a bit more cynical towards life...and may be even come up with a list of the top 5 things that you think are highly overrated in life ;)

(in no particular order)

a. humility
b. loyalty
c. job security
d. god
e. Pamela Anderson

Gaffe Gal!

Just when you were about to hand the crown of the "Empress of Absurdity" to Mamata Bannerjee, Ms. Dixit snatches it away by making the comment of the last two centuries. This is what the Chief Minister of the capital of India has to say about a woman journalist who was shot on her way back from work..."All by herself at 3 am at night in a city where people believe...you know...you should not be so adventurous." God help us all.

Rock Star!

Springsteen, Mercury, Henley, Bono, Bocelli, Sivamani....theres a reason why these guys sound better live than on a CD. They soak in the energy of a live audience and get high on it, which brings out the best in them. Aruna Sairam has got to be right on top of this list. The way she can hypnotise the audience for hours together into a state of trance, is to be lived through to be believed.

It was the 'navarathiri' celebrations of the Mylapore Ramakrishna Home - Dad's Alma Mater and I had been waiting all afternoon for the concert. Lucky to get a seat in the overflowing hall, I was initially disappointed that 'Ghatam Karthik' was not part of the ensemble. But as it turned out, it was just a detail and over the next 2.5 hours, I was served everything I had waited for and then more - a Sahana oozing 'vandhanamu', a soul stirring 'Jaago' and a Bengali number that had half the auditorium swaying. She even did a 'Freddie Mercury', by making the the kids in the front row singalong 'maadu meikkum'.

The woman really is a rock star! Hers is probably the only kacheri, where you wont find 'rasikas' browsing through the 'raaga digest' to figure out what raagam the krithi is in. They are usually busy head banging! Seriously...

Us and Them

So, the latest World bank estimates are out. If $1.25 is taken as the new poverty line (ie. The amount of money required for a person to take care of his 'absolutely essential' needs for one day), then 455 Million people in India are below that.

In other words, 42% of the Indian population is among the Poorest in the World (Africanesque and all). So, the next time someone tells you that India is shining or twinkling or doing somersaults, you can politely ask them to go fuck themselves.

long live punk...

coming to think of it, the one and only concert on my 'bucket list'!

Anil the cabbie and other optimists

Had to travel to Delhi to meet a Client. The last time I was at the capital, it was on Dad's LTA. My height was about 4 feet and I had never shaved in my life. Or in other words, it was 1990. I have no memory of it, except for the 'super bad' picures my dad and me had clicked using the 'hotshot' camera. If you are a 30 something Indian male or female, you WILL remember 'hotshot'!!

Besides those pictures, my only other memory was 'Palika bazaar'. I remember PB distinctly, because it was the place where I was fleeced Rs. 50 for a VHS tape that was supposed to have 5 episodes of 'Tom and Jerry'. When I opened the box after coming back to Chennai, I realized that it had just a one minute long tape inside. That night, I swore to kill the shopkeeper using a two-barelled rifle, while riding my horse in a cowboy hat.

Cut to present. I won a 'Reebok' backpack on the 'scratch and win' competition onboard the flight. It was apparently worth Rs. 1,195 and I could get it for Rs.500. Not wanting to get into another draining decision making exercise, I decided to decide later whether I really wanted that backpack.

Got out of the airport and confirmed with the client that they had sent a cab. Stepped out, pulling my two piece luggage into the sea of cab drivers waving placards. I started to skim through them, looking for my name. 10 minutes and about 300 placards later, I could not find my man. Went back to square one and tried again slowly. 15 minutes later, no luck.

Its one thing to not have anybody to pick you up from an airport. Its quite another, to be decked in a suit and a tie (I will come back to the tie again, later in this post) at 11 AM in the middle of a Delhi summer and not have anybody to pick you up from the airport, especially when your cell phone has died on you.

The funny thing about a booming economy is that while more people have fancier cell phones, the Public Call Office is suddenly not in vogue anymore. It has especially become uncool anywhere near an airport terminal. Had to walk all the way to the arrival terminal to find the only PCO in the entire airport in our capital. Thankfully had the cabbie's cell phone number.

It has been a while since I had a hindi-only conversation with anybody and my linguistic capabilities are inversely proportional to my angry state of mind. I was shocked to find out that Mr. Anil Shinde, my 'sarathi' for the next 3 days was indeed standing near the arrival terminal. How stupid of me. I should have looked more closely.

'Main blue pant our blue shirt main hoon, sir'. Blue must really be the in thing this summer, because I walked all the way back to find about 5 people at the specified spot, all dressed in various hues of that color. The third shoulder I tapped was Anil.

He did not have a placard. I was furious. I asked him if we had met before. He din't get the joke and instead went on about how he had never left Delhi. I wanted to hold him by the collar and scream "what were you thinking? how the fuck were you planning to recognize me and have you really been fancying your chances for the last 45 minutes??". However, he did not give me a chance. By the time I gathered my luggage, he had already walked across the road and I would have lost him again, if not for the blue, which thankfully was not so much in vogue on the other side of the road.

Through the ride to the hotel and over the next 3 days, Anil would become my new best friend in Delhi. I would develop a certain kind of love for the Air freshner he uses in his Indica and how it mixes with the smell of his supari to create a heady mix. I would also develop a deep respect for the man's optimism. One of those evenings, I asked him to take me to JNU so I could meet a friend there. He had no idea where JNU was and he did not think it was worth his/my time, to ask somebody before we started driving.

He simply started in his favorite direction and left the rest to people he would stop next to, at the traffic lights. In the dying moments of the red light, he would roll down his window lazily and ask his neighbour for directions, the last few parts of which would invariably get drowned in a sea of irate honks from those behind us. But find JNU, we did. The decisive last direction came from a chap who had just emptied his bladder next to a roadside tree and was mildly flattered to see a car waiting for him to finish up.

Anil and me talked a lot. Me, talking in a broken version of my national language and he concentrating hard and encouraging me along. We talked about our familes and he told me that I was his second best customer ever. I lost gold to a 30 plus girl from Bangalore, who took him to lunch on one of the days she drove with him.

We survived each other. I wanted to surprise him with a big tip on the last day on the way back to the airport, but as 'Murphy' would have it, the cab company decided to send a different car on that day. Anil is a legend when it comes to optimism. In my mind, he is second only to the dude who came up with the fantastic idea of the 'necktie'. So fantastic that its only fair to talk about him in an exclusive post!

Unaccustomed earth...

Garp will have to wait a while. ...

Picked up 'Unaccustomed Earth', for company on a long flight. Was very apprehensive. I loved 'Interpreter of Maladies' and never read 'The Namesake', though I liked the film. And I was not exactly in the mood for a weighing down immigration story.

I was excited to find out that it was a collection of short stories. Those are perfect for a train or a flight, especially for slow readers like me. And a quick glance into the first story suggested that it was set in Seattle - not the repetitive Boston. Great...I was sold! Paid for it and boarded the flight.

The first story was 'Unaccustomed Earth' - Title track. Strangely, the emotions were very much in the accustomed territory for me. Then again, I think anybody who reads it will feel that way. As it is always the case with Jhumpa, the english was dumbed down, but the effect was piercing. I finished the 60 page story in one shot and realized that the plane was still on the tarmac.

Tried to move over to the next story. After all, there were another 3 hours to kill. The next story was set in Boston and it seemed like a lighter one. I closed the book. Decided that I would rather savour the hangover from the first one for the rest of the weekend.

Later that night, someone asked me what I thought of the book. I said 'it makes you wanna take the next flight to boston, meet Jhumpa and hug her for 2 full minutes'.

Garp...

found John Irving's "World According to Garp", lying around in a friend's place...had read it eons back and it has since been by all time favorite book. I remember closing the last page on it, thinking...'OK...some things in life are not going to feel the same again, from here on'...

".......It was an unpleasant sensation for Garp, shortly after Duncan turned six, to smell that Duncan's breath was stale and faintly foul in his sleep. It was as if the process of decay, of slow dying was already begun in him. This was Garp's first awareness of mortality of his son...."

I think I will read it again!

why I cannot stop talking about this....

I dont believe I am actually writing a post, showing off a movie ticket I bought! but its true...scrambled my way to possibly the last two tickets available for this weekend....yeah its 3:00 AM...but hey, what better time to watch "The Dark Knight"?

3 reasons why I cannot wait for the sun to set (and it has barely dawned!):

a. Growing up, vacations and comic books always went together. Thankfully, me and sis had this pretty simple but effective system to split the piles of Amar Chitra Katha and the few DC comics that were around the house - She got to take what she wanted and the leftovers were all mine!!! Thankfully, she was not a massive super hero fan. Small mercies! and for some reason, I was always drawn to the dark, hooded, masked men - Phantom and Batman. I think it was the lack of 'inevitability' of those stories, which fascinated me. And ofcourse the Villains!



b. Christian Bale. Easily the most talented actor in Hollywood at the moment. Unfortunately, he is largely unknown for some of his best work, like the 'Machinist' for example. It is the most shocking transformation anybody ever went through for a role. Check out his pics below from 'Machinist' and 'Batman Begins', the two movies he did back to back - in that order.



3. Nolan! I was so intrigued by Memento, that after seeing it, I immediately downloaded the film and tried to re-cut it in the reverse to see how it turned out....but naah, it was too much work ;( ...will probably take it up as a post-retirement project!! I digress....the reason I love Nolan is because he is one of the few writers out there who makes his film work mostly by 'out thinking' the audience...'The Prestige' is a fine example. If there is one thing you can be sure of in a Nolan film, it is that you definitely would have had the rug pulled from undernneath, by the time you exit the theatre.....and its probably the only time in life, when its an amazing feeling!

Colleagues

Was reading this piece on rediff and got reminded of the day I saw Pyaasa, many years back. The movie hit me like a brick truck and the hangover lasted many many weeks. But then, it wasnt just me. I think the effect was universal for anybody who saw it.

I wonder sometimes what it must have been like to have colleagues like this: Abrar Alvi, SD Burman, VK Murthy, Rafi, Sahir Ludhianvi, Kaifi Azmi, Johnie Walker, Waheeda Rehman and the head of the pack - Mr. Dutt himself. What it must have felt like for these guys to go to work everyday with one another - each, easily the best of his / her breed! And what it must have felt like when it all just ended abruptly one night. No wonder their best work happened only when they were together.

And talking of Best work, I think VK Murthy is among the least sung heroes, when it comes to Cinema in our country. The man who shot Pyaasa, Kagaz ke Phool, Sahib Biwi our Ghulam, Bharat Ek Khoj and Tamas! Howz this for lighting in 1959??!!!

PS: watch without audio once, so SD does not get to hijack the Murthy show ;)

finally...!!!

"...A week before its opening, Warner Bros.' The Dark Knight is shaping up as the movie event of the year, if not the millennium!....Already, theaters have scheduled midnight Thursday screenings - to begin at 12:01 a.m. Friday, so as not to violate film's contracted July 18 opening. There's talk of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. screenings Friday, to meet the advance-sales demand...."

10

It has been a wallet-bursting last few weekends at the movies:

The Happening, Dasa, Hulk, Mongol and Dasa again.

Hulk could have as well been an animated feature and Mongol is just too amazing a piece of art to write about on a Friday afternoon (I refuse to say anything about 'The Happening'). That leaves me with the one film I have waited impatiently for over half a year. Literally.

So, when I actually settled into my seat (first day, 2nd show), I had an embarrasingly wide grin on my face. And like everyone else, I too was nailed to my seat during the first 10 minutes. What followed though was a roller coaster ride of amazement and disappointment in equal measure, so much so that I left the theatre without knowing whether I actually liked the film or not. The second helping did not help either.



For what its worth, my 'Dus' things about Dasa:

1. Dasa ends with a montage of Kamal, 'before, during and after' the make up of each character (with the 'ulaga nayagane' track in the background). This is before the credits begin and so, seemed like he intended the audience to see it as part of the actual feature!!!! Its a minor detail, but it kinda gives us an insight into the thought process behind this film. This clearly is a 'come and see what all I can do' kinda gig and not the 'come, watch and get blown away' types. For some strange reason, I just assumed it would be the latter.

2. I think the folly of Dasa was the fact that much of its brilliance was too subtle to be noticed, let alone appreciated.

3. Almost no paati I have met in real life has had forearms that reminded me of Sanath Jayasuriya.

4. I have a sikh friend whose Tamil is way better than some of my Tamil friends. So I dont have a problem with Avtaar singing in Tamil. However, I do have a problem with him mouthing a phrase like 'Paarada Maanuda'

5. People say that the Tsunami sequence special effects were bad. Of course they were. This is a $25 Million film. That is half the budget of 'The Happening' (which at $60 Million is considered a teeny weeny small budget film). Even if you subject all the animation engineers in India into bonded labour, you cannot do much with $25 Million. Having said that, there is just no excuse for the scene where some police constables flee the rising ocean as if they were running away from a mouse on the loose.

6. The subtle brilliances. So many! The shot at the hospital with 4 kamals criss-crossing and the car chase with 2 kamals inside the car must have all been shot on multiple days. To have managed the same lighting and to have choreographed extras over and over again, etc must have been a continuity nightmare, pulled off brilliantly. I think the biggest indication that those scenes worked is that not many talk about it!

7. I totally loved the 'conspiracy theories' of the undying Kamal fan (http://sathyaphoenix.wordpress.com/2008/06/17/the-mapping-of-each-ten-roles-to-avatars-in-dasavatharam/). Some of them actually seem plausible.

8. Prosthetics kick ass. I think we all know that. Kamal's linguistic and voice modulations kick ass. We all know that too. These obviousnesses kinda brought down the novelty of 10 for me.

9. I think critics are having a field day butchering Kamal the writer. I dont know about that. I guess there is the script and then there is the premise. "A depiction of the 'Butterfly Effect', with a 9th century execution as the 'flutter of the wings' and a Tsunami nullyfying the effect of a biological weapon as the 'tornado'......In an industry that has been pre-occupied with 'boy meets girl' and 'good man kicks bad man's ass' for the last 75 years, I think this is pretty ground breaking.

10. Like sky diving or cardiac surgery, cinema too has no points for 'trying'. In the end it is all about the folks in the dark room with their backs to the projector, who paid to see your film. They either like what they see or they dont. It doesnt matter if you spent 100 hours to get into a plastic mask. They are still gonna come out and say "Hey that 'paati' did not look real, yaar!".

saturday morning coffee...

....and just when you thought it was a lazy saturday morning, a song comes along, 10 years since you heard it last....and brings along so much...Cat Stevens.

between hard and a rocky place...

What would you like? a lot of money or very little money?

do you want to be buried or cremated?

Royals or Royal Challengers? (i know!)

how would you rather be tortured? waterboarding or tickets to 'kabhi kushi kabhi ghum'?

'SIMPLE DECISIONS'. Are'nt they wonderful? Black & white, easy to make, you will never repent them (like for example, the guy who chose waterboarding), you dont have to discuss it with your friends and best of all, its chop chop! No time wasted.

cut to my life.

"would you like 3 or 2 buttons on your suit?"

"white bread or wheat bread for your sandwich?"

"well...you can either take TTK road and make a right or take RK Salai and make a left. Its the same distance. your call!"

"Cafe mocha or Cafe latte?"

"I have tickets to both Aruna Sairam and U Srinivas. Where do you wanna go?"

Time out. After almost three decades of 'Deciding Between Equals', I am officially retiring. It is a thankless job. Seriously.

I have to use all the neurons in my very small brain to weigh two perfectly equal options , do a pointless SWOT analysis, look at the long term vs short term gains, check the ROI and eventually pick 'A' over 'B' (for really no fault of 'B', by the way)....all in 5 seconds and what do I get in return?

K- Mocha
Coffee shop gurl: OK....that'll be $3.50

K - two
Suit shop guy: OK....you can come for trial in a week

really? 'OK' is all you got to say about it? How about a lil appreciation?

"Sir, I know the pain you had to go through....and I think you are a genius"

"two buttons? wow....you just brought down your carbon foot print and saved the earth from global warming"

"you choose Aruna Sairam??....will you marry me?"

Now, THAT will be 'fair compensation' or 'minimum wage' (depending on how 'left' you are). Unfortunately, we live in a thankless society and I just have to pay up, pick up my sandwich and leave - like as though Nothing happened in those few seconds!

Prayer

• I hope I will never have to watch another cricket match with Arun Lal's commentary
• I hope Vodaphone will be declared bankrupt in my lifetime (They are actually getting away with an online recharge system that does not work!)
• I hope Karunanidhi lives for another 45 years, stays in power and remains my neighbor, so my apartment never has to worry about security, water or power cuts
• I hope Rahul Gandhi develops a medical condition that prevents his larynx from working
• I hope Arjun Singh's english teacher will spank him hard and make him understand that the word 'reservation' is not the synonym of the phrase 'equal opportunity'
• I hope watching southpark for 2 hours everyday doesnt mean I am a sicko
• I hope the trainer at my gym, who was born and brought up in Theni, would talk to me back in Tamil, someday.
• I hope Arun Lal dies a painful death ("Sourav, quick as he is, could not stop the ball" he said today).

I hope.

Wedding bells

It was the 'sashtipurthi' of my parents' one time neighbour. They lived next to each other during 1974. The only social event I have ever attended in my life, where I did not know anybody else besides the people I chaffeured. Surprisingly, this was not the worst part of that morning. The troupe that played nadaswaram for the day, rendered what was easily the most horrible and the most besur recital of 'Nagumo' in the history of mankind.

Surprisingly though, no one seemed to care except me! Reminded me of the time when I DJed for a dear friend's wedding reception. Very excited with the job description, I chose the most exotic instrumental collection for the night - Ravishankar, Shiv Kumar Sharma, Vanessa Mae, Izhtak Perlman, Bach, yada yada yada......only to be asked the next morning by my friend...."why dint you do anything about the music?????"

So my new hypothesis is that wedding music is the most inaudible genre. It is the only gig where almost nobody in the audience (except jobless chaffeurs) gives a damn about whats being played! In fact, the next time I am asked to DJ at a wedding, I plan to mix 'Eminem' with 'Lalgudi Jayaraman' and see if anybody notices it.....takers?

While on weddings, I gotta say that its an absolute laugh riot to be 30 and single and meet your relatives after a long time...

K: Hello Uncle, how have you been? long time...
Uncle: why are you like this?
K: huh?...like what?
Uncle: Eppo da kalyanam?
K: oh that....i dont know, uncle....am having the time of my life. So am not sure if I really wanna get married now. So how have you been? whats the real estate scene in chennai?
Uncle: How can we be alright when you are like this?
K: Really, uncle...am doing fantastic...so dont worry....so did you see any movies recently?
Uncle: if you get married at 35, your son will still be in college when you retire!!!
K: jees, mama! this is hilarious. I think we are getting a wee bit ahead of ourselves. I dont even know what I'll be doing in September '08....BTW, what do you think of the bangalore Royal Challengers?
Uncle: oh, they are a bunch of test cricketers, I say....not good for T20...
K: Thats exactly what I thought....

god bless IPL!

of Balaji, Baadshah and Bangalore...

Thank GOD am not a believer....

Tirupati is a freakin circus. Thousands of people, whose ages vary anywhere between 6 months to 103 years, are sandwiched together daily in 6 feet wide cages for miles together with no emergency exits or cops or cell phones in sight. Move over, trapeze artists!

It is quite a sight - that teeny weeny 'people' bridge in the middle such vast expanse of land!


So what happens if there is a stampede?....there almost was one the other day...or worse, what happens when somebody has a stroke?...Then again, thats just the Rs. 50 queue. So it aint really important. I am told the Rs. 500 "V.I.P" queues are not so long....but hold on for a sec....who the fuck are you to decide that if I dont have the dough, I cant see my God comfortably?

moving on....Saw Jodha a few weeks back, at 9:30 in the morning!! I usually prefer my cinema later in the night, well after the World has called it a day...but my buddy had scheduling problems and so I tried a post breakfast thing.....aint bad at all!

I hate films with commentaries, or a placard at the end saying what happened to the characters, later in their lives...like anybody cares! Thankfully, Jodha dint have the latter....but the former was bad enough. My take on commentaries is that if you cant say it with your screenplay, you are probably trying too hard. The first 15 minutes of the film reminded me of one of my all time fav TV shows - 'Bharat Ek Khoj'. I did not pay Rs.125 for that though.

Hrithik was awesome. He probably aint gay after all, like I had thought all these days. The man makes a fantastic Akbar. The scene with the elephant was pure panache.

Strangely, the thing I looked forward to most when I entered the theatre and the thing that put me off most during the film, were the same - Rahman. I thought the songs were brilliant and I found myself waiting impatiently for the next song, throughout the film. I almost jumped with joy when 'Khwaja' began. However, the background score was horrendous. It seemed as though Ashutosh's brief to Rahman was "dude, just spray it. I want atleast 125 musicians jamming at any point of time in my film". Not a single frame passes by in silence....and worse, the BG always gives away the mood of a scene, even before the audience enters it. Makes you yearn for a "Junoon" or "Last Emperor", mid way though the film!

Ashutosh is an old school guy and I think I love him for that....but I think that also makes him a terrible maker of songs. He (and I think Mani also shares this vice) has an unexplainable urge to lip sync every vocal in a song. This gets pretty tricky when Rahman scores the music, because he experiments with multiple vocal tracks of the same singer in a song. The result - you have 3 qawwali singers in a scene, all singing different parts of the song at the same time and sounding suspiciously like Rahman!! Thats stretching it a bit, boss!

Ashutosh is also one of the few film makers around, who still believes in 'goose pimple' scenes. In 'Swades', it was the kid selling water at the railway station. In Jodha, its Akbar getting up to dance in trance! WoW!

I loved the film, though. I think I saw endearing romance on the Hindi screen after a long time. Yeah, it was simplistic and it was very long....but I guess thats alright. I loved the fact that the director did not for the most part, move away from the love story into anything else too fancy.

That night, I saw a bunch of film makers (including Ashutosh) on NDTV, defending their right to creative liberty in interpreting history for a film. While I have absolutely no insight into how much of this film is factual, I actually think their argument is pretty ridiculous. If you dont think sticking to historical facts is important for a film maker and if you want the audience to see this only as a work of art, then why bother calling it 'Jodha Akbar'? Why not 'Usha Rahim'?

moving on....sneaked in a bangalore trip a few weeks back....and did Purple Haze after 5 years! It was nostalgia all over again....the backlit jimi hendrix, the smell of a decade of pints and cigarretes, the big screen TV playing 'comfortably numb', the gobi manchurian and good old rock n roll. I guess somethings never change....thankfully!

Rangarajan

"Karthik,

I do reply interesting mail like yours. It is a good idea to make shortfilms based on short stories. Modern Tamil literature is full of filmworthy short stories. Ray's teen konya is a masterpiece. Try and see Fellinis Yesterday Today andTomorrow and also Puttanna's "katha sagara" in kannada.

with best wishes

Sujatha"

This e-mail will go to my grave as one of my proudest possessions. I met him at a play in Mylapore fine arts and took down his e-mail address. I wrote to him the next day, saying I wanted to make a film of a short story by Ray. This reply came back in minutes.

Months after this, I was reading his 'vignana siru kathaigal' (science fiction short stories) and was intrigued by one titled "computeray, oru kathai sollu" (computer, tell me a story). The intrigue had to do with the central character of the story, 'Thambu' - a robot that takes news papers as input and gives short stories as output. An 'expert system', pretty much. This story was published in the mid sixties and expert systems were not a reality until the early seventies. I immediately started writing an e-mail to him, asking him whether he ever realized the significance of what he had done.

I also wanted to tell him that I have finished 'haze'.

I also wanted to ask him about his health and whether I can send the dvd to him sometime.

I never finished that e-mail. Now, I will never be able to send it. Ever.

I am on page 26 of "Kanavu Thozhirchalai" - Factory of dreams.

quick notes from Madras...

• Mylapore smells the same, but for a whiff of Davidoff in the air
• Theres traffic jam on mount road at 11:30 PM on a thursday
• An Apollo "1066" ambulance (siren blaring), for heart related emergencies was stuck with me in the same jam. We both took an hour to go from little mount to guindy. Ironically, their tag line is "every minute counts".
• Am definitely having the "1066" episode in my film
• Aachi masala is presenting "National Treasure - book of secrets" in the city
• After years of yearning for it, finally made it to a family wedding. Filter kapi, Nadaswaram, the smell of sweat+jasmine+Davidoff+homam+pongal, paati, chiti, gorgeous relatives.....life's good!
• The foodworld in city centre has snickers, mars and cigarettes near the checkout counter
• Have been holding on to Shantaram for a long time, but surprisingly have not crossed page 11. I think I will start Sujata's "Kanavu Thozhirchalai" instead
• There is no "comedy central" in dad's satellite TV plan
• Went to Akkarai sisters' violin kacheri. I am now a fan!
• I think the 100 rupee note is the new 10 rupee note.

10 Realities of Moving

#10: You can categorize your things how much ever you want - Clothes, ties, books, CDs, fancier ties, the stuff you bought from the india store but never used, etcetera. However, the sad reality of the 11th hour is that all of 'em go into either of the 2 bags that you plan to travel with. In fact, there are only 2 categories - bag A and bag B.

#9: "A friend with a gift is a friend indeed" (I tried rhyming that, but gave up!), is a myth. After the first beer in a reunion, almost nobody will care.

#8: There are things and there are Things! How much ever objective you are in getting rid of stuff, you are always going to end up with a set that "you can neither sell nor throw away.....nor pack!!!". Like your bookshelf, your IKEA lamps and your pressure cooker!

#7: When you moved into your apartment, you chose the top floor because you did not want kids running above your head in surround sound? Bad Idea. BAD IDEA!!!

#6: When you were 24, shopping for your friends meant that you hit music stores, duty free shops, game sites and book stores. When you are 30, most of your gift shopping happens in 'Babies R us' or 'Toys R us'. Its scary!

#5: Sell your car first. Shop last. Not the other way round.

#4: That 1955 8mm mechanical film camera that you bought from a remote antique store in Wilmington, might be special....but that issue is between you and the camera. You cannot expect your suitcase to relate to it!

#3: Buying a CD every time you visit the 'Half price book store', is not cool anymore. Especially not, if it becomes 20% of your travelling mass. It is about time you started buying music from iTunes.

#2: You cannot afford to be emotionally entangled with your coffee mug.

#1: Packing is work. You are not supposed to be enjoying it!!!

Ads that get on your nerve #1

This has got to be absurdest ad on Indian television right now...it even beats Hrithik's Acer ad, in my books....a 4 door sedan is 'man among cars'?....surely!

#39!!!!!

....and how!

Sir Sachin Tendulkar?

What fun!!!!

:))))))))))))))))))))))

Shut the fuck up!....and while you are at it, get a life!

Really?

So an entire court in Bhopal - the judge and all its employees, are going to be paid a day's salary (at least) for hearing this case...coz this is obviously more important for the nation's judiciary than the 15000 cases in the backlog on murder, rape and robbery.

The girl is 21.....and the first woman in generations of billions to be ranked significantly in world tennis....and this is the best you could do as a sports photographer? having her sort out judicial volleys in addition to Venus's and Maria's?

This is so ridiculous that it makes a Lindsay Lohan drunken driving case an epic court battle of global implications, in comparison.

In my opinion, if anybody has to be sued for insulting the flag in this picture, it is the darned photographer for choosing this angle for the object in the foreground.....

Reductio ad absurdum!

Elsewhere...


A bunch of die-hard patriots burnt the effigies of Mark Benson and Bucknor, last week....The two men responsible for all the injustice that life has thrown their and their families' way. The two men standing between mankind and world peace.


My theory: Lack of good sex is inducing a chemical imbalance in these perfectly normal looking men, which is making them indulge in this stupidity. I cant come up with a better explanation for why a man will spend a fine monday afternoon, burning straw!! Patriotism, my foot.

The only thing crazier than this is CNN IBN coming up with a novel initiative to show their support for the sons of the soil, by launching an online petition for revoking the ban on Harbhajan...seriously? Do they even realize what a 'hearing' means? Isnt it ridiculous to demand a specific outcome from a judicial exercise? Should they not be asking just for a 'fair hearing'??? well....I guess thats about as much as you can expect from news channels that have a 'background score' for news....

But the biggest joke of them all is yet to come....

"Indians drink buffalo milk but worship the white cow. They do not worship the buffalo because its black."

Quote attributed to: Mahoshay 'Kancha Iliah'
His claim to fame: A book titled 'Buffalo Nationalism' (which I dont look forward to reading)
Event in question: 'Are we racist?' - a supposed introspection into the nation's psyche from CNN IBN, post the monkey fiasco down under.

Really, I respect CNN IBN more than any of the other news channels (DD not included).....but this one beats even the Navjot Sidhu comedy going on for the last 2 weeks....This is actually so funny, I am not even angry!