one liners...

Its one of those Sunday mornings when you are generally looking around for something to sink your teeth in. This thing on TV might have just done it for me, I think ;)

So this HP commercial goes "Hi I am Sid and I love music". That just cracks me up. I mean...someone is actually getting paid to come up with a line like "I love music"?

"Hi, nice to meet you. So what do you do for fun?"

"I love Music!"

"Sure, mate. How about that 'breathing' thing? Thats also pretty cool, no?"

While on annoying one-liners, there is the Ms. Alcohol Saint. You run into these characters in most parties.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?"

"oh no, thanks. I get high on life"

Feisty! Note she doesn't just say "I dont drink, thanks". No way! - that would be self-deprecating. And worse, would just answer the question. You gotta be more elaborate than that. You gotta have a STORY behind your teetotaling.

"Hi, nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink?"

"oh no, thanks. I get high on life"

"Thats just so sad, sweetie. Out here, we get high on life AND alcohol. na nana na na!"

Another oft-spotted-party-species is Mr. DadINeverHad. These guys usually are the hosts.

"Alrite, chief. I think we will head home now. Thanks for having us. Good night"

"Oh it is so late. Please call and let me know you guys reached OK".

Now folks, I have had quite a few late nights in my life and met many Mr. DadINeverHads. And given the limited capabilities of my memory, I almost always forget to make 'that' call. I just find it strange that none of 'em have ever called me back, or come out looking for me or filed a police complaint, or even complained of losing sleep that night.

"Alrite, chief. I think we will head home now. Thanks for having us. Good night"

"Oh it is so late. Please call and let me know you guys reached OK"

"Sure. And you call me when Rakhi Sawant cracks mensa".

Mirror mirror on the floor...

ITC Grand Central Hotel. Mumbai. Circa 2009.

For the 25th time this year, I enter the hotel in a cab. Three well built men, dressed in imposing black uniforms stop me, just like they have stopped me 24 times before. The least beefy among them walks slowly towards the car and inserts this mirror-on-wheels under the chassis and observes attentively. Convinced that there is nothing else but rotting auto parts there, he then turns to the other gentleman, who by now has his head inside the trunk. The head comes out unhurriedly and gives the less-beefy man a reassuring nod. Relieved that I am not out to harm humanity, they let my car proceed.

Surely, if I want to blow up ITC Grand Central, I will dress up in a business suit, pack loads of explosives under my chassis (exactly where it will be visible in the mirror) or just throw them in my trunk (for extra leg-room in the back seat), patiently wait for the inspection to be over (front & back!), so that I can then get on with blowing myself up.

Surely.

PS: But in a sagging economy, to think that this has given jobs to roughly a million people nationwide who are doing this day-in day-out - a masterstroke!

and yes, not to mention the 'impenetrable' security this is giving our hotels...

Venky

Venkatraman Ramakrishnan is a pioneering scientist. Am sure his body of work will someday affect my granddaughter's protein consumption.

So what is interesting about Venky?

He has a name that is made up of four god's names (with one receiving unfair advantage of a repetition). A pretty defiant name, me thinks - considering he comes from a city where traditionally all of these 3 gods were despised. In short - a possible vaishnavite from the saivite capital.

Dont dig that trivia? cool. So what else is interesting about Venky?

He left India in 1971. Roughly 6 years before I was born. 'So what about that?', I hear you ask. 'An entire generation of educated, upwardly mobile Indians left the shores in those days'. True.

So what else is interesting about Venky?

He came back to India about 7-8 times (to teach in IISc, charity, etc). Thats coincidental! Thats about the same number of times I have gone to Vegas - for charity, again. Dont trust me? Ask the number of casino workers who got a raise that year, thanks to the money I lost on the poker table.

So what else is interesting about Venky?

'Dude, he got the nobel'. Remember the award instituted by the guy who invented dynamite? (Yeah yeah, the same guy who refused to institute an award for Mathematics, because his wife ran away with a math teacher). I often wonder how the guy who invented the dynamite can give away an award for peace, but I digress. Lets get back to Venky.

So what about Venky's nobel?

Nothing. Just that it is weird that the Indian media is celebrating. 'Why not yaar? he was born in chidambaram, he studied in vadodara and what the heck? he is brown!!!'. OK. ok. ok.

what? what was that? did i hear you call me a jealous bastard? well, may be I am. But I still think it is weird that we are celebrating. Some asshole even had the headline "Venky is India's pride".

Fuck you.

The man left India almost 40 years back. He left because there was nothing this country could offer for his development. And he did not come back because he could not do what he wanted to do, here. In other words, he abandoned this place for something better. Dont get me wrong, I think he is a very nice guy and a wise one at that. And 'smart', obviously - he got the dynamite prize, remember?

So call him that. Smart, wise and nice. Dont call him India's pride. Coz this award doesnt tell you what we did. It tells you what we couldnt. And cannot, still.

Eeram

The thing about 'Eeram' is that for more than 3/4ths of the film, the director is continuously screaming to you from behind the screen - 'see how different I have made this frame look?', 'see how logically I have connected these scenes?'. This almost kid-like enthusiasm is very palpable at the other side of the screen. Clearly, this is a man who has put everything he has got into his first film.

I read a few reviews talking about inspiration from 'what lies beneath' and 'dark water'. I havent seen the latter and the former was forgettable anyway. Honestly, I dont think it matters because the script itself is a very trivial part of this film, in my opinion. What 'Eeram' has achieved is to create one of the sleekest films ever in this language. And that is something.

In the age of Vijay and Sundar. C (2 guys who have single (double, actually) handedly killed tasteful cinema in Tamil), the things you yearn for as a fan are: that refreshingly creative frame, or that momentarily intelligent line, or that realistic make-up.....just any semblance of proof that the creator really had a flame burning inside him and that he did not merely go through motions.

There is a pretty ordinary scene in the film, where a bunch of police officers meet in a swank conference room and discuss a suicide in an apartment (forget the fact that it is ludicrous to conceive that the entire police force in a city will sit together in a conf room to discuss a solitary death). However, the scene opens with a close-up of a glass of water with a coaster on top of it, and the cops in the background. Beauty! It is scenes like these that make 'Eeram' an important film in Tamil cinematographic history.

Of course the real protagonist of the film is water and she has never looked so good on screen before! Be it while overflowing from a tub or while splashing onto a face in slow motion or just dripping from the edge of an iron gate or just settling down a glass window as a condensing mist. The ubiquitous blue tone of the film that is occassionally broken with scenes in a full color pallete is just a master stroke!

I googled Manoj Paramahamsa - the cinematographer and he seems rather new. But boy, what a talent! Watch 'Eeram' for this man's work and also for Arivalagan's creative bursts.

Like I said, the script isnt important, though it is not bad at all. My only peeve with it is, like all ghost stories, this one is also based on revenge. Makes me think...wouldnt it be fun if someone came up with a different kind of a ghost motive? like say a ghost that wants to play cricket or one that wants to run in an election? Thats for another day, I guess...

gig

There was this boy, who grew up in Virugambakkam - a suburb which isnt quite driving distance from Dublin, Ireland - home to 4 punks, who will end up entertaining him like nobody or nothing else.

Cut to the early 90s and the boy catches this music video, where the 4 punks are playing on top of a building, in the middle of a crowded street. That kinda does it. Boy pciks up 'Joshua Tree', swears that is the best album ever, pledges life-time allegience to the band and includes their concert into his 'bucket list'. Like most things on that list, he never really expects it to happen (though he fancied his chances on "No:4 - sleeping with cindy crawford").

Cut to the later 90s and the band comes up with 'Zooropa' and 'Pop', arguably two of the worst albums of the time and definitely their crappiest pieces of work (I mean, 'discotheque'? really???). A 'duh' feeling creeps in and suddenly the boy doesnt think much of the band anymore.

Out of the fuckin blue, in year 2000, band comes up with a supernatural album called 'All that you can't leave behind' and (in Bono's words) 're-applies for the job of the best band in the World'. And how! They go straight back to his bucket list and right on top! (the encumbent no:1 is 'checked' when Roger waters decides to visit Bengaluru)

Years later, one fine day in July 2009, he decides to blow away his entire bank balance on a trip to Paris. No points for guessing who is playing there at that time! All plans are made and he is waiting with bated breath. 48 hours before take off, in a manner only he is capable of, he damages his passport. That ugly 'blue and gold' booklet that has seen him around the globe for more than 9 years has decided to call it a day. Just like that!

Cut to the next week and he finds himself in the middle of a human ocean on the day of the concert. Only, its not the "Stade de France", but something similar nevertheless - Shastri Bhavan on Haddows road. The place where thousands of fans come together annually, to impress Mr. Mohammed - the chief passport officer, who holds the key to their international future. This is the "Great Indian Passport Trick", which includes:

1. Getting about a 1000 people to sweat profusely in the summer heat outside
2. Packing them into a 20X20 room with no ventilation
3. Ignoring the stinking latrnine without a door nearby
4. Maintaining your place in a queue that gets shuffled every nano second
5. Putting up a 'sorry sir, I wont do it again' face while facing the officer in charge and most importantly,
6. Keeping your forms dry through all this.

Why is our man here? He finds out that his band is playing again, in a few days in Amsterdam. Now if he applies that day, he could get his new passport soon (provided he kisses a few asses (well!) and scores with the 'wont do it again' face), get his visa stamped sooner, take a cheap flight to Paris, take a REALLY expensive train to amsterdam, make it on time and hope that the hotel guys have kept his ticket safely. Phew!

Did it happen? Not quite the same way, but yes! Was it worth it? fuck yeah!

Ladies & gentlemen, U2!

No: 1 - See a U2 concert before kicking the bucket. Check!